External validations or inner rootedness?

A few days back my mentor Megha Bajaj caught me delving into this trait of how I tend to compare myself and my growth with people around. It took me off guard as I pondered over how I had created this subconscious pattern within me.

I sat in silence to find the roots of this trait that oftentimes leads to self-doubts or validations that I seek from external world. Drenched in silence, the realizations felt so profound to connect the dots and identify the root cause of this innate pattern.

I saw the little girl within me – peppy, introverted, eccentric – feeling out of place more than often. Studies didn’t excite her much, leading to average grades than her immediate cousins. It didn’t affect her much, but her family would compare her with them, ‘See how well she scores!’, ‘How can you score so less than her when you both are sent to the same school and tuitions?’

The child within me had taken this so deeply that I fell into this trap that I got to be better than the rest. Pitiful was this – that I did not just restrict this to studies but also saw myself comparing in terms of beauty, sports, dance and all else.

Constant comparison, external validations – a perfect recipe to unhappiness, I thought as I reflected in silence. How long am I going to do this? How can I truly overcome this subconscious pattern?

And as these questions propelled over, my mind came back to stillness, my mind came back holding the image of my beloved Guru Mahatria. It seemed as though HE is answering me my vagabond thoughts… Like a waterfall in full force splashes to merge into a still lake, my mental chaos seemed to settle down.

HIS words of wisdom poured onto me, as to how HE was always being compared with HIS brother who was a rank-holder, with HIM being nowhere close… And all of us – infinitheists – who follow HIM know, what HE truly is…

Do I have the right to compare myself with my Guru? No. I felt. Yet can I draw an inspiration out of HIM and learn through HIM? Yes. I thought of HIM, how HE owns HIMSELF, everytime as HE speaks about this story or HIS weaknesses – or the weaknesses as perceived by the world outside.

Yes, I may not have excelled in studies or sports. However, I do exceptionally well at my work front. I truly believe my words to be empowering, bringing in subtle positive shifts in the minds of my readers. The devotion and dedication I bring into my work and life is immaculate.

I would feed my egoistic mind if I’ll come and say, ‘I am better than many others in these few domains’, again sowing seeds of comparison. And so, I took a step back to dwell in further and corrected myself, ‘I am doing better than where I was, a few days ago!’, ‘I am growing from where I was, yesterday’…

As the realizations seeped in, I found a new girl that had been sleeping within me – powerful, enigmatic, owning herself up – completely. Ah! Feeling so beautiful within… Life is just this much – one fix here, one tweak there and here you are, a more beautiful person today.